I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
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scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.