Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
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Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.