Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
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Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
two people or more is called a problem
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
He-man has a Masters degree
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater