Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
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[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.