THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
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Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.