Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Nothing to do, you say?
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.