I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
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[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
$3 #books
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”