I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
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David Attenborough, the confusing early years
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.