Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
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*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”