I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
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if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.