Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.