I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
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[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
The “research” scene in every horror movie