8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
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There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”