I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
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Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’