Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
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“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.