I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
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valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
bugs when you lift up a rock
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?