eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
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i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
#DesignFail
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh