why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
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When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I know karate and tons of other words.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.