How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
You Might Also Like
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Still my favourite meme.
These are too funny not to post 😂
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.