Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
You Might Also Like
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.