Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
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Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…