that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
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DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What?!?
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
is this a warning or an offer?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism