i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
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You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”