Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
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[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.