While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
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ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Meow
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.