“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
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Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
just gave your address to some spiders
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.