Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
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Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil