I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
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When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”