Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
You Might Also Like
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
sugar glider wrangler
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat