Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
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Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.