Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
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Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything