I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
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A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I can also cook 😂
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
water it, i dare you
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Storm Tropical Storm
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.