There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
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Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Software Development ⛵️
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.