I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
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Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon