Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
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No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle