Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
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Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one