I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
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My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On