For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.