Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
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The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
why am I working on Labor Day
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
This is a bad idea on so many levels.