“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
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pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
i’m sure it’s fine