Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
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Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
hey, alexa
a public service announcement
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Actually cracking up @ this
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his