ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
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In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me