We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
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My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
ACED my prostate exam!
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”