ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
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[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!