I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
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When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Me too, bag. Me too….
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”