i have one speed and it’s mosey
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The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time