I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
You Might Also Like
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?