I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
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Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
she has a smile full of sesame seeds