Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
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[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.