why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
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Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
It was worth a shot 😂
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm